I am guilty of sins but I have no feeling of guilt perturbing my conscience. Why?
It is because I act according to my own moral code and if my code and my acts are not opposed, then I am not guilty. For the laws I have established have not been broken.
But I feel pain, I feel misery and I see only darkness. Why?
Because I am under the piercing, blinding stare of Others. And I fear Others with Her disapproving looks and menacing words. I fear Her and I fear the truth that may or not be hidden behind Her words. Thus I believe I am guilty, I am scared, though in a world with no Others, I am innocent.
And I continue to act. But now I hide from Others, and She knows not what I do. And now I am at peace.
I act as I please, and my moral code is my sole guide.
Though now I feel I am sinking, I am sinking slowly into a world I do not know. But Others is not aware for I remain at bay from Her gaze. And yet I continue to sink, faster and faster. Something is burying me deeper and deeper, I can no longer hear the comforting sounds that once surrounded me. I am afraid. I am afraid of what is burying me.
What could it be? Why can’t I know?
I think, and I wonder, and I ponder.
And then I understand.
I am sinking, I am burying myself, deeper and deeper. For I am now hidden behind my own shame. For I feel guilty; I have cheated myself. For I am weak and have allowed Others to roam freely whilst I escaped as though I had been the guilty one. Now, I see though that I am guilty for I have not been true to myself.
I have my own moral code though it was not strong enough to aid me. And now I must find my way out of this hole. Never must I hide from Her, or from myself.
I do not mean by this that one never feels guilty. On the contrary, many of us are guilty of many acts we may not even know. But what I find most important is to distinguish my guilt and that which others have imposed on me.
It’s the idea of the “Inner Justice System”. I establish my own moral code, one that I am convinced of; I follow it. And if I break it, I am my own judge. And, should my conscious judge not be up to the task, my subconscious one, Guilt, will never fail me.
I admit to you that He is not always welcome. I often prefer to listen to the conscious one, he’s always softer on me. However with every lie the latter utters, Guilt’s voice grows stronger. And in the end, I am either convinced of His words, and I right my wrong. Or I remain with Guilt’s never-ending cries in my ear until I finally perish.
Guilt always wins. Guilt is the embodiment of Truth. It is the Truth we know to be in our hearts. And that is why He is always the vanquisher for He is stronger than Others and Her false morals. And He is stronger than the kind, easy-going, and corrupted judge.
I don’t know why Others needs to look down on us. Perhaps She draws strength from this.
I don’t know why Others needs to judge us. Perhaps it is because She tries not to listen to Ger own Guilt.
And more importantly, I don’t know why we let Her.
We are constantly controlled by society. We “do this” and “steer clear of that” out of fear, fear that some people will think some things of us.
I don’t know why that is.
Worst of all, I don’t know why I, unlike my friend mentioned above, am unable to find my way upward.
Perhaps that is what my Guilt is trying to tell me. That I am weak.