Today I was thinking of shutting down the blog. That’s me. i run away from things. I’m not good with seeing things through. If they don’t work out the way I want them to, then I decide to just step out. I step out very quietly, I think I’ve even mastered it. I don’t run, I quietly slither out, like a snake. Which is ironic because I am terrified of snakes. One of the reason why I am never to go to Australia, though I really want to.
Today I wanted to burst. I felt disgusted- as I often do- and I just wanted to burst out. I don’t know how but I manage to keep my calm around those I hate. Slithering out of my anger, never actually saying what I think, and then wondering why I am misunderstood. It’s my own fault. Partially. The other part is due to those who cannot take the time of day, to step out of prejudices.
Today we were talking of Australia in English class, about some Aboriginals who are currently working as rangers. Which I think is fantastic. Forget all the obvious reasons (increase of income for both Aborigines and Australia, a positive image, and culture that stays alive), it also shows that development and culture need not exterminate one another. It’s not the “one cannot live while the other survives” thing that I love so much from the prophecy of Harry Potter. Both can co-exist and benefit from each other. Who is the person that carefully laid out this law that told us that, in order to progress, we had to let go of the old. Who said that? And more importantly why did we believe him? Maybe my head transports itself into this ideal world sometimes, but I truly believe that one need not destroy the other. I truly believe there’s a point that we can reach that will allow us to have both.
Today, I told my mom she can try to find people for this book discussion club idea she had. She sees it as not only an occupation for this summer, but as a way to meet people who may share my interests, and more importantly to work on my social skills. Sometimes I think I’m fine like this. And it’s a truth. I am fine. But if I want to stop feeling exasperated all the time, if I want to spread my ideas, I can’t wait as long as I do for people to get to know me. It would take too long.
Today, as I do everyday, I thought of how I did not belong here. I belong at a much simpler time. A time when people wrote the most beautiful letters, simply to tell you they were going to be out of town, and they ended them with “And it is with this feeling of respect, that I remain very truly yours” (in The Portrait of A Lady, by Henry James). A time when gentlemen and ladies existed. If you’re ever read Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchel (one of my favorite novels that made me cry so many times), then you understand what it means to be a great lady. I love that novel, it’s one of my favorite for numerous reasons that need not be listed; they cannot be listed. I read it almost one year ago and I feel I learned so much from it. I mean you hear about life-changing experiences, reading that brilliant novel is one. It helped me be stronger, I think.
Today, I had Spanish class and my teacher kept eyeing me with those pitiful looks he gives me every time we’re in class. I am a quiet person, everyone else is not. I know he likes me very much, and he feels sorry for me, and he hopes to comfort me, or maybe trying to reassure himself that I still have my sanity. Well, I’m not sure I do. Often, I feel I’ve lost my mind.
Today, I discovered I wanted to go to camping in the desert. I’ve always, always, always, wanted to go camping, ever since I was a little girl. I love adventure, but have never actually been in one. Yesterday, my sister told me I should go camping in the desert. I didn’t believe her. Today, I really want to. When will I go? I don’t know, but I need to get out of this modernized world. I need to find peace. Perhaps when I’m older I’ll find a very quiet place to live in.
Today, this girl who is years younger than myself, that I’d spoken to once only because we were sitting next to each other in the bus, tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I would be in the bus today as well. I told her no. And she left. I had enjoyed speaking to her. She had addressed me at first. I was very surprised because she was annoyed someone would be seated by her. But then we spoke of different things, she was very curious and I didn’t see her ever since. Then today she asked me if I would be in the bus again. Open to interpretation. Maybe she enjoyed speaking to me as well and was hoping I would be there again. I’m not sure really. But I doubt it was meant to be insulting. I was flattered. I like the girl, she speaks her mind and is not afraid to. Much unlike myself. I took her as a younger mind that maybe could be influenced by me, for the better. I guess she’s in awe because I’m older, which I guess naturally happens, to us all. But I feel I could benefit from her too.
Today, I received an e-mail saying that someone now follows my blog. Jubilation. I couldn’t believe it. Pride. Someone read what I wrote, probably liked something about it, and decided to click on the follow button. Thus today, I decided: Perseverance.